Going With It

So like I said, it is now my turn to be the bad friend. Truly in my heart, I know that what I am doing is because it is what I want and not because I am angry with Firecracker.

Jay and I have been seeing each other for a couple months now. We were all friends before they started dating and towards the end when we all knew it was falling apart, I told them that I was still going to be friends with them both. Jay and I still hung out some and did all the normal stuff we have been doing as friends for years. One day, we were hanging out at his house watching some sports network and I made a comment about the game they were talking about (I love sports and watch almost all of them that we get here). When I made that comment he laughed, looked at me, then leaned over and kissed me. I kissed him back for a sec and then realized what I was doing and stopped it. I talked to him and told him that I couldn't go there. He said he really liked me, but for me to please not freak out and stay away from him. We are friends and he values that friendship above anything else we would try and no matter what did not want to lose that. So we acted like grown ups, got over it and continued our friendship. The problem was, in my head I really wanted it. (And yes, it was before Firecracker and I had our fall out.) I really like him, he is a great man, he is great with LilBit and he already knows that I am psychotic.

About a month later, we were watching a movie, drinking a bottle of wine, and I decided screw it. Too many times I have not gone for what I really wanted and have kicked myself in the ass for it. I decided I had to risk it. It was my turn to lean over and kiss him which caught him so off guard he almost fell off the couch. It was freakin hilarious! Things have been progressing and we hang out pretty much every weekend now. I usually crash over there because if we drink at all I don't want to drive 30 minutes all the way home in the middle of the night.

I know that what I am doing is wrong, but at the same time, I know that what I am doing is right. Does that make sense? I am starting to have some serious feelings for Jay and it terrifies me. These are real feelings that I know are reciprocated. Now don't get me wrong, I have lived my life by the female version of "Bros before Hoes" but he started in the 'Bros' catagory and she is kinda acting like a Hoe. I know, that was wrong, but too damn bad. The one thing I have realized is that I am not going to pass up a chance to be happy for a woman that doesn't think I am good enough to be in her new world.

Jay is a great man. He has come out to one of LilBit t-ball games with me this season (season just started and he says he would love to go to another one), I have been out to his parents for dinner (now keep in mind that I had already met his dad and one of the sisters), and he really shuts up and listens when I need to vent. Most men shut up and pretend to listen, he really remembers the things I say later and askes me a few days later how things are going with it.

We even had our first fight this weekend (drunken stupid fight that neither of us remembers how it started, but a fight none the less) and we survived it.

I can't even count how many girl-rules I am breaking, but I always acted more like a guy anyway. And what about the self-rule that you have to do what you can to be happy? This may not last forever, but with everything I have going on, this makes me happy now. So I am going with it.