So Sorry

Okay, guys. I am so sorry. Things have been just freakin nuts. Well, mostly my brain.

Jay and I hit a pretty rough patch. All he ever thinks or talks about now is work. He hates his job and is constantly miserable. I cannot haved one flippin conversation with him that he doesn't bring up how much he hates his job. GET A NEW JOB!!!!!! Seriously, if he doesn't find a new one soon, I don't thinkwe will make it. Also, we have another problem. In the last month, I have found myself very attracted to another man, a man I met at my little pub. Sven, he is Sweedish. We were bar friends and hung out at the bar a lot, but then all of a sudden it seemed to change. We went to dinner a couple times. (I know, I know. Not good, but nothing ever happened.) I really like him, which doesn't say much for me and Jay. He is a really great guy, had enough brain to keep me entertained (I hate stupid men). I took Mom out to my pub one night and she really liked him too. Then he tells me that he is moving back to Sweeden in about 3 months. UGH! So in my head, I amtrying to figure out if I am just looking elsewhere because Jay is frustrating me r ight now, or if I really don't want to be with him. How sad that even I don't know the answer to that.

My sister just found out she is pregnant. In the last week, we have already been through a scare of her losing the baby. Luckily they caught the problem just in time and everything is okay now. Whew! She and her husband have been trying for about a year to have a baby and have had a lot of trouble. This is a blessing!

I have kinda become a drunk in the last month. If LilBit is with the grandparents, I have now been known to go to the bar at 3 in the afternoon and stay til midnight. This is happening 3 or 4 times a week now. My sister is a teacher so she is off for the summer and has been keeping him in the middle of the week some. I am a careful drunk, but still I have been drinking too much. Luckily, with my history, I keep close tabs on myself and have chilled out some.

ALSO... my 10 year reunion is next month. I had asked Jay to go with me and he said yes. I knew it would be what he wanted to do most, but figured he would do it because I need the moral support. Well, the reunion is a 3 event thing over 2 days and now he says that he will only go to 1 event with me. Whichever one I pick. well, screw that! I want him there at all of them. I don't need help for just one. He hates people and doesn't want to be around them that much. I understand cuz I hate people too, but couldn't he manage this once, for me? Also, I am not going to pay $150 for all 3 events for him to shopw up to just one. It just doesn't make me feel very important to him, you know? I may be being a petty girl, but that is still how I feel.

Other than men, things are going well. Nothing else really exciting. My brother has been fairly calm, the crazy 18 year old girl moved out of our house, Mom is still to busy for her kids, and LilBit is just growing and growing. I hope all is well out there for you guys!

Back on the Radar

Okay, so I know I have been gone for a couple weeks, but I have been so busy. And yet, so not. No, I don't really know what that means. =)

So it seems that after my last post some people were a bit behind. Short recap for you, Soul.

Motorcycle guy was great and really nice but it just wasn't there. Firecracker and I had a rather large falling out (for our own reasons, not over a guy) and now I am seeing her ex. I know that it breaks all the "girl-rules" but he makes me happy so i don't really care. Jay, the guy, is wonderful. He and I have been friends for several years and we were hanging out one day and it just kinda happened. I felt bad at first, but I am not going to give up on it. So that is the quick run through on that.

Things are actually going well around here. My littlest brother is starting to show some signs of improvement. He still gets really angry, but hasn't hit anyone in a couple weeks. How sad that it is something to be so happy about.
I got an A in my biology class and my prof told me to keep in touch with her and when it came time to do my internship to let her know. She is a Geneticist at the University of Texas Medical Branch which is one of the biggest research centers in this part of the country. That freakin ROCKS!!!!!!!! I have loved genetics my entire life; I was the only person in my high school that had a subscription to the Genetic Society Newsletter. I am such a dork. She told me that she liked the way I looked at the genetics and that I just seemed to have the brain for them. Mind you, this was just my basic biology class (bio for science majors) not even a high level course. YEA!!!!
I don't know if I have told you guys about my weird marriage or not. I got married when I was 20 to a guy I was friends with. It was a marriage of convenience with a specific purpose. We hit our 7 year anniversary on Monday and our divorce was final this morning. 7 years and 5 days. He and I are still friends and chit chat some. He lives in Florida now, but he came in a couple months ago for us to go file together and then we went out for drinks to celebrate. Too weird, I know. =)
Things are going well with Jay. It kinda freaks me out sometimes. Not for reasons you would think though. You know, I have known him for years so he already knows LilBit. I have dated guys before that said they didn't mind that I had a child. None of them actually got far enough to even meet him though. Jay knows him, likes him and we even all go out and do things together. Not a lot because just in case, I don't want either of them too attached. You know? So the scary part is that since he really doesn't mind, and is so good with him, I know this really has a chance. Most guys will say they are fine with you having a kid, but really don't want anything to do with them. Those guys are safe. I am ready for this, I am ready for what I am feeling, but... it still scares me. Also that I can feel so much so fast. I guess it isn't SO fast since we were friends first and already had a connection, but...

Okay, starting to stray. Sorry.

OH!!!! LilBit has his first loose tooth, top right front tooth. I almost cried when he showed it to me. He is so excited and I just want to freeze time. He is getting so big and so grown up. He will start school in August. Again, I will cry like a baby.

So things are really going well here. I have figured out how not to go crazy not working and just relax and have a good time spending time with LilBit. Such precious time.

Jumble

So, the jobless thing was fun for a week and now I am going to go out of my mind. I love having the time to spend with me son after last semester of not much time with him, but sheesh, I need to get out more. We have done every craft I can come up with, gone to every park but it is already more than 90 degrees outside, swing-set has been ordered for the back yard, and my sanity has gone in to hiding. How do women really pull off the stay-at-home-mom thing. I love my son, don't get me wrong, but I cannot do this all day every day. Maybe part of it is that he is an only child. Maybe part of it is that he doesn't really have a dad. Maybe the combination of the two. Whatever it is, he just clings to me. Every moment. I love him and love that he shows me how much he loves me, but something is not right with this. i know that I sound like a terrible mother for saying all this, but it is how I feel.

On to other stuff. Things are going great with Jay! You know, with all the weird situations that started this thing, it was kind of awkward at the beginning. As right as it felt, it was still just... weird. I have gotten over the whole "He used to date firecracker" thing. It is not like she and I had never shared guys before. okay, so that was bad, but what the fuck ever. i am really happy with him.. not the kind of happy I had before. With LilBit's dad, I thought I was happy and I loved him, but I had to be who he wanted me to be. I had to smile all day, I had to hold in whatever I was feeling on any given day, and I wasn't even allowed to be myself in the bed. With Jay, I get to be me. In all aspects of my life. If I am having a bad day, I get to bitch. If I am having a really good day, I get to be giddy and goofy. And dammit, if I want to be a wild crazy monkey in the bed, then by god I GET TO!!!! I love that I can be me, who ever I am that day. It makes me feel so good. HE makes me feel so good. good about me. =)

Okay, so now I am off to get LilBit up and ready for t-ball practice. YEE HAW!!!!

Packing

As I sit here packing up my office and my desk, I am desperately holding on to my anger. My boss sold the gym and isn't going to open our new location for about a month or 6 weeks. The new owner takes over tomorrow and I wasn't told about this until YESTERDAY! Thanks, jackass! I know I have the job when the other place opens, but what am I supposed to do until then? I talked to my mom last night about it and she said to just take the time off. I have had a pretty stressful year and I could really use the time to spend with LilBit. I haven't had much time with him between work all day and class all evening. Also, he is going to be starting school in a few months and I need to take advantage of this time I have before he is grown up too much. Before I know it, he will be an angry teenager who hates me and thinks I am stupid. (I hope he isn't really like that, but you never know with teenagers).

What the HELL?!?!? Could he not have given me more notice than a day and a half?!?!?!? oh, sorry, back to the boss. I am the fucking office manager, you would think he could have told me that we were going to close or move or something! Don't get me wrong, a month off would rock my world except for the whole not making any money thing. UGH!

Okay, on to the next subject. I tried the whole Facebook thing at the request of a really old dear friend and as soon as he added me to his friends I got bombarded with freakin requests. That sucked. I guess I should do one that is not under my real name. I got hit up by all the people I have purposely avoided for YEARS! that was awful. Iwill have to try this again sometime. I don't do real well with technology anyway (or with people) so to be just blasted with crap like that was WAY too much for me. Sheesh!

My freaking boss! What the hell am I supposed to do jobless for a freakin month?!?!?!?

I HATE PEOPLE!!!!!!!

Reunion

So my 10 year high school reunion is this summer. Damn, I feel old now. We have a website to register on and put pictures up so I signed on. I can't believe I am actually going. i always said that I would never go to these things, but my friend in Florida who I have known for 17 years is going to go and told me that she needs me to go with her. She is also going to bring her husband which means that I have to have a date. I cannot show up with her and her husband and not have a date myself. Jay said he would go with me which should be interesting since Firecracker and I went to high school together. Hmm... She was the class behind me so she won't be there, but several other people we know will be. This could get ugly. He says he doesn't give a rat's ass and I guess I shouldn't either.

It will be fun to see everyone; I just hope that everyone else has grown up too and realizes that we were kids back then. I was not the most wonderful child out there. I did a lot of things that pissed off a lot of people, mostly the girls if you know what I mean. I think that after 10 years, we should all be over it, but I am still nervous. You know? Really though, if anyone says anything, I can just rest easy with the fact that I grew up and they didn't.

I was looking on the site and saw some names that I haven't thought of in...well, 10 years I guess. There are several people that I am excited about seeing. I really do think I should have a good time. My friend from Florida (who also stands to catch a bunch of shit from people) said that if it does for some reason get uncomfortable for us, we will just walk out and go out just the 4 of us.

Okay, okay. I know. I need to go into with a positive attitude not already making backup plans for how to get out of there. I will work on that.

I am also having Roy, my personal trainer, kick my butt a little harder to get me looking as good as possible for this whole thing. I am going to walk in skinny, toned, hair to my waist and HOT!

=)

Home Again

So my little brother (Nikos) came home last night. He was there when I walked in from work. He came up to me, hugged me, and told me how sorry he was for everything and how much he loved me. I reassured him that I loved him too. He then asked if I was going to hate him forever for all the things that had happened. I tried to explain that I dislike most of the things he had been doing and was worried about him , but did not hate him. Also that if he got his shit together now and did not continue down the road he had been on, that we would start from here. He did seem to understand that it is going to take quite a bit of time to regain trust from anyone, but that that is a consequence he deserves. It was a really nice conversation and I actually started to have hope. Luckily, I have been the person on that side of the fence and know better than to completely let my guard down.

My mom has had a trip for this coming weekend planned for about 2 months. Just a weekend getaway with the girls from her divorce recovery group. Last night Mom reminded Nikos of her plans and informed him that he would be going to stay with our sister and her husband for the weekend while she was gone. He expressed that he didn't really want Mom to go away yet, but if she was going to anyway could he just go stay with a friend. Okay, I know he has lost his mind (hence the week in the mental hospital) but the child has lost it again! Mom tells him this and that no he cannot run off and hang out with a friend for the weekend for several reasons. 1) he is on house arrest unless he is with Mom, me or our sister (not just orders from Mom, this was ordered by the court). 2) his friends suck and he was doing big drugs.

OOPS! Here we go again! FREAK OUT!

Nikos freaked the fuck out. Started screaming, throwing things, and cussing up a storm. Same old same old. There went the spec of hope that he had changed. He couldn't even make it home one freakin night before he flipped out again. He doesn't understand why he isn't allowed to hang out with the 18 year old boy that was giving him the drugs. Fine, even take away the drug factor, there is no reason in hell that an 18 year old should be hanging out with a 14 year old 8th grader anyway! He doesn't understand why he can't just stay at home by himself or hang out with friends while she is gone. UGH! The mind of teenagers!

So, Same subject...ish, new side. What the hell is my mother thinking?!?!? She can't really be running off to this weekend trip. I get that it was already planned, but her son just got out of jail and a mental hospital. Doesn't she think that taking off and leaving him the first weekend he is back home is a bad idea? Part of the reason he is in this mess is that she has been to busy with her own life the last 2 years that she has payed absolutely no attention to her children, good or bad. No affection, no discipline, no nothing! God forbid she miss a trip anywhere though. All she does is take trips and travel all over the place at the expense of her child. I get that she wants to do all that and that she has the means right now. Thing is, she still has a young child at home to raise. On top of that, he is a very special case that is going to need a LOT of attention and help if he is going to make it.

Now what?

Destruction!

This from a Yahoo! news story.

"Bush in a Rose Garden address for the first time set a specific target date for U.S. climate pollution reductions and said he was ready to commit to a binding international agreement on long-term reductions as long as other countries such as China do the same."

"As long as other counties such as China do the same." So, we are only going to do our part to save the planet if others do it? What the hell is wrong here?!?!?!? Why shouldn't we do what we can especially if other countries do not? Is he fucking kidding? It seems that he would be perfectly happy to sit by and watch the world rot away. Well I am sorry, but I would like LilBit's children to not be mutants ravaged by radiation and unable to drink the water of the world because Bush is too fucking stubborn to take a stand on his own. I think he is more worried about pissing of the people of our country whose money comes from polluting our Earth. The more we destroy our planet the more money those people make. The old, rich fuckers will all be dead before the major consequences arise and to hell with what happens to rest of us left to deal with the disaster. Well I say, TO HELL WITH THEM!

Leveling Off

So the littlest bro lost it again last week, landed in Juvie jail and is now in a psych ward of a hospital. I really hope this does him some good. When he got into Juvie they gave him a drug test and he tested positive for white. That breaks my heart more than the rest. After my battle with all that stuff, I know how hard that is and what it can turn you into. I went to visit him on Monday and busted him in a lie. He tried to tell me that he had only tried the drug once. Yeah. Right. Who the hell does he think he is talking to? I called him out on it and he just laughed. i guess it is going to take a few more days for all of it to really hit him. mom was going to a family therapy session today with him there. I would have loved to go, but I couldn't get off work. I think it may be better for him to face Mom first anyway.

Firecracker and I had it out yesterday. The other night a friend of ours came to me and told me that she has been telling people that she thinks I have a drinking problem. Here is the reality of it. With everything going on in my world, I am surprised I don't have a drinking problem. I drink less now than I did while hanging out with her. And most of all, HOW THE HELL WOULD SHE KNOW? She hasn't seen me in over 2 months. She has no freqakin clue what I do with my time anymore. I wonder if she would like me to go randomly tell her friends that she has a marijuana problem. I bet not. We chose different substances, but I would bet I am sober more than she is. I tried to talk to her about it and she started with the whole, "Sorry, I was concerned" thing. I told her that her concern did not upset me, but the fact that she talked to other people about it but not me pissed me the hell off! Finally at the end when she just kept saying she didn't want to talk about it, I told her that if she became the woman I had been friends with again at some point to give me a call, but for now, I am tired of getting my feelings hurt and tired of feeling disrespected. We all have known this was coming for a while. I hate that it went down like this. I have enough people in my world that sress me out though, I don't need it from my friends too. The saddest part is that I am not as sad as I should be. What does that say for the friendship we had?

So other than this weirdo crap, things are going well I guess. School is going okay. We are finally to the part of my Biology class that I have been waiting for. We get to start translating genes and learning how to splice them. I know, I am such a dork! hey, it makes it easier to learn if you are somewhat interested in what they are teaching. My computer class is killing me though. not my grade, I still have a 92% in the class, just my prof. sucks! He doesn't teach. He just expects us to learn from the bood and use the class time as lab time basically. I don't know what he is getting paid for. But, I am learning it well and he can shove it!

Things with Jay are going well, too. Nothing really new and exciting, but going well. =)

Other Crazy Crap

**I had no idea that all of these would be so massive. Just bear with me while I get the back-log out and they will be back to normal shortly.

Okay, time for the other crazy crap. My family is falling apart. I don't really know what is wrong with all of us.

My son's father fell back off the wagon again. I am not talking about catching him smoking a spliff. No one really cares about that. We are talking about the fact that he got busted by leaving a burnt spoon out. Anything you have to burn in a spoon is not okay. Well, I told him last time we went through this, that if he messed up again, he would have to take me to court to see our child. Either he wants to be a dad or he wants to do drugs. Those are the options. So he picked the drugs...again. I should have known. I cried a little for my son and his loss of a father, but otherwise I just don't have it in me to freak out over this... again.

Now, my brothers. My littlest brother was diagnosed Bi-polar a few months back and he has just gotten worse and worse by the week. The older of the little brothers is just an asshole who never learned any respect or how to control his temper. 2 weeks ago, both of my brothers (yes, both) beat the crap out of my mom. I mean, black and blue from head to toe. It took about a week, but Mom did finally go down and press charges on both brothers. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be to press charges on both of your teenage sons, but it was the right thing to do.

The older one has since moved out and is staying with a friend for now and he really does seem to be sorry for what he did. He just gets that rage in him that he hasn't learned how to control yet. I am not saying that makes it okay, but at least he realizes something is wrong and that it is not okay. The little one however, has not.

Last week, I had a round with him. I got home from class and he was at the house. I had made some dinner for myself (only enough for one) and was just putting it on a plate when he walked into the kitchen. That little punk picked up my plate and started walking off with it. OH HELL NO!!!! I walked up to him and told him that was my dinner and he was not going to eat my food, he could make his own. I am sure that I used some colorful language which must have pissed him off. He dropped the plate, turned and slammed his elbow into the side of my head. At this point I slammed his punk ass to the floor where he proceeded to kick me in the face. That knocked me off balance enough to give him time to get up. The instant he got up I threw a punch that landed square on his jaw (which I hated doing to my baby brother, but I had to do something.). That gave me the time I needed to wrap him up and get him fully restrained. He finally quit thrashing, I let go of him and he walked out of the house. I ordered a pizza.

He has been stealing my mom's bank cards and cash out of her wallet. Been stealing her car randomly. Smoking pot in the house with my child there. He refuses to take his meds and the last trip to the psychiatrist's office, he jumped out of the car on the side of the highway. He doesn't think he needs help (or doesn't want it). He says he likes the way he is; it is fun. Mom is trying to get him a bed in a psych ward, but they are hard to come by for kids. She is not trying to send him away for ever, but at least to get him on some meds and stay regulated and maybe he will realize that he doesn't have to be this person.

I don't know what the right decision is here, but he needs help. Quickly. I am terrified for my son, my mother and my self in that house. What if he snaps in the middle of the night while we are all asleep? I have been lucky so far in that LilBit has just happened to be gone when it all goes down. I might really freak out if my son saw something like that.

My heart breaks for my brother though. I mean, he is my baby brother, he is still a 14 year old child, and there is still hope for him if we can get to it now.

I know that all of us in my family are crazy (really, who on this planet isn't in some way?), but this is out of control. I hate having to raise my son in that house with all of this, but I don't have any other means right now. I just need all the shit to stop!

Going With It

So like I said, it is now my turn to be the bad friend. Truly in my heart, I know that what I am doing is because it is what I want and not because I am angry with Firecracker.

Jay and I have been seeing each other for a couple months now. We were all friends before they started dating and towards the end when we all knew it was falling apart, I told them that I was still going to be friends with them both. Jay and I still hung out some and did all the normal stuff we have been doing as friends for years. One day, we were hanging out at his house watching some sports network and I made a comment about the game they were talking about (I love sports and watch almost all of them that we get here). When I made that comment he laughed, looked at me, then leaned over and kissed me. I kissed him back for a sec and then realized what I was doing and stopped it. I talked to him and told him that I couldn't go there. He said he really liked me, but for me to please not freak out and stay away from him. We are friends and he values that friendship above anything else we would try and no matter what did not want to lose that. So we acted like grown ups, got over it and continued our friendship. The problem was, in my head I really wanted it. (And yes, it was before Firecracker and I had our fall out.) I really like him, he is a great man, he is great with LilBit and he already knows that I am psychotic.

About a month later, we were watching a movie, drinking a bottle of wine, and I decided screw it. Too many times I have not gone for what I really wanted and have kicked myself in the ass for it. I decided I had to risk it. It was my turn to lean over and kiss him which caught him so off guard he almost fell off the couch. It was freakin hilarious! Things have been progressing and we hang out pretty much every weekend now. I usually crash over there because if we drink at all I don't want to drive 30 minutes all the way home in the middle of the night.

I know that what I am doing is wrong, but at the same time, I know that what I am doing is right. Does that make sense? I am starting to have some serious feelings for Jay and it terrifies me. These are real feelings that I know are reciprocated. Now don't get me wrong, I have lived my life by the female version of "Bros before Hoes" but he started in the 'Bros' catagory and she is kinda acting like a Hoe. I know, that was wrong, but too damn bad. The one thing I have realized is that I am not going to pass up a chance to be happy for a woman that doesn't think I am good enough to be in her new world.

Jay is a great man. He has come out to one of LilBit t-ball games with me this season (season just started and he says he would love to go to another one), I have been out to his parents for dinner (now keep in mind that I had already met his dad and one of the sisters), and he really shuts up and listens when I need to vent. Most men shut up and pretend to listen, he really remembers the things I say later and askes me a few days later how things are going with it.

We even had our first fight this weekend (drunken stupid fight that neither of us remembers how it started, but a fight none the less) and we survived it.

I can't even count how many girl-rules I am breaking, but I always acted more like a guy anyway. And what about the self-rule that you have to do what you can to be happy? This may not last forever, but with everything I have going on, this makes me happy now. So I am going with it.

The End of an Era

Okay, catching you guys up is going to take a couple days, so this one is just going to be about how things started to get funky.

Firecracker and I have been friends since High School, about 12 years. We weren't always best friends, but have been friends in some capacity for most of that time. While I was out being psychotic on all the crazy drugs and straight acting like a dope-fiend, she had let go and told me not to call her anymore. I wouldn't have been friends with me either. Once I got clean and stuff, I called her and asked for another chance. I needed a friend and it had to be someone that I could trust myself out with since I wasn't as sure of myself yet as I am now. She gave me that chance and brought me back into her life. For the 3 years after that, we were best friends. Her, her boyfriend then, Jay, and I all hung out almost all the time. She has helped me through so much and I have now been able to do the same for her. We went on several vacations and did a lot of travelling together.

Shortly after we came back from the cruise in August, she and Jay broke up. It had been coming for a while. She talks all the time, which I think was starting to get to Jay, and he was never going to become the man she wanted him to be. She wants the rich, uppity, well-to-do life and he will never give her that. He just isn't that guy. She had also started complaing to him about everything he did and about how nothing was ever good enough for her.

She got her a condo and moved out on her own. Now she is dating a very well-to-do nice guy that she met at work and things are going exactly the way she wants. Problem is, she is bocomming a snob. I knew that with the new boyfriend we wouldn't be hanging out as much, but I didn't expect it to become as little as it did. She started constantly hanging out with his friends, but I do not fit into that wealthy snob world. I am just not that girl. A couple months ago was her birthday and I went out to the other side of town to hang out with her and his friends. One other friend of ours was there too. Firecracker ignored the two of us so hardcore that the other friend of ours faked a headache so that we could get out of there. I barely recognized the person that she had become. I found out that night that there were several lies I had been told and she just wasn't the woman I was friends with anymore.

My heart was broken.

I talked to her about everything that happened that night and it somehow ended up with her mad at me, because I was upset. I didn't yell at her or approach it accusingly. Actually, I think it was the most eloquent argument I have ever been in. I never said anything about her being a snob or anything like that. But I did talk to her about how the other friend and I felt ignored all night and most of the time now. Now she is angry at me and I don't really understand how that happened.

I now have not seen her since the night of the birthday party. We talk and we e-mail, but neither of us has really tried to see about going out. She can't go out without the new boyfriend and I am not willing to drive 45 minutes every time to see her. She is unwilling to come to my side of town and she is never on her side of town on the weekends. They are always at his house almost an hour away from me. I cannot afford that especially since she is not willing to come this way once in a while. Our friendship is dwindling.

I miss my friend, but she is no longer the woman that was my friend. I would love to have things back the way they were, but I don't see that happening.

Now it is my turn to be the bad friend. I am going to guess that you guys can figure out what is next in this story. It shall be continued in a couple days.

What Is Really Going On

So here is what is happening. I got this new blog because I have so many things in my world that I have been unable to discuss on the other blog. Certain members of my "real" world read that one and many things going on involve them. This is a blog that I am not even telling the "real" world exists. The entire purpose of my beginning to blog was that it gave me an outlet for my brain. I was able to voice my opinions and my problems. Then a funky twist of fate, and it all ended. I was no longer able to be honest and completely open. I miss that. I need that.

Beginning tomorrow, I will start explaining what is really happening in my life and if you guys would like to give me some input, I welcome it wholeheartedly.

So, here is my honesty. Here is my voice.